So after a lot of soul searching, deep thinking, having angry debates with myself, and late night theological discussions with a few trusted friends I have come to a realization:
I'm not a theist anymore.
I know now that this has been brewing for a while but my mind was rebelling against the idea for a long time, and trying to quell the increasing cognitive dissonance I was experiencing (which was surprisingly very stressful) made me a bit techy on the whole subject so I would shove it away and try not to think about it. Which makes sense really, it's difficult to discard a 20 year old worldview! At first, the thought of no gods made me feel a bit ill and lost and almost panicky in a weird way, but slowly the idea grew a bit and started to make sense. The process was gradual but I think inevitable.
I’ve never really felt the presence of the gods and for a while I thought it was just a matter of finding the right pantheon or something. I admit I’ve never been a very good polytheist, because even though I never disbelieved in them, I wasn’t about to put up with any shitty behavior from any deity either. My rule was the same one I have for pets; if a human can’t get away with it neither can you, and I maintained that if the deity didn’t like it they could sod off and I told them so frequently. But then I realized I wasn’t getting
any type of behavior from them, no reaction whatsoever, no cosmic smackdown, no signs or portents, but also no positive changes in my life I could ascribe to the sacrifices and prayers I was offering either.
So naturally I thought it was me, oh everybody else has these deep meaningful relationships with all sort of deities and here I am with nothing maybe I’m not trying hard enough, I don’t give them enough stuff, time, energy, maybe I’m not pious enough.....
Or maybe, a small voice whispered in my mind,
they don’t respond because they simply aren’t there. For once this idea didn't send me into panicky irrational anger and I actually thought about it. The few times I thought I had gotten some sort of a sign from a god could be easily explained by coincidence and pareidolia. And the one thing that has always bothered me, if there were gods why didn’t they do more to make themselves known and have more influence in the world, and I mean real, measurable, and objective influence? What was their purpose and why should I bother with them if they didn’t actually
do anything? I never assumed they were a sort of cosmic vending machine that just gave you things on demand but I was doing my part, rituals and offerings and got....radio silence.
Perhaps, the voice continued,
you should put all that time and energy into people and things that need it here and not waste it on invisible sky people and constantly making yourself unhappy looking for something that isn’t there? And as irreverent and blunt as the voice had been, instead of feeling ill and lost I feel like great weight had been lifted off of me and a sense of peace replaced it and I knew in that moment that this was the right thing. If you will pardon me quoting myself here “
It's amazing how beautiful the world looks when you stop looking for something that isn't there.” The war was over and my brain stopped trying to split itself in half. If anything I felt a greater sense of awe and numinousness looking at the night sky and the trees and in the feeling of the wind on my cheek because these things were now complete in themselves without any expectations of something I was missing that would somehow make them “better” or “more.” Which is why I still feel the wilds are still numinous to me and I will continue to wander them as always but with a renewed sense of appreciation and a very different perspective.
Now what this means in regards to my paganism remains to be seen. I still have a deep love of nature and can still fit the circle of the year into celebrating the turning of the seasons and how they impact our lives, but aside from that I’m not sure there is anything left for me there. I’m not really interested in the paranormal anymore, I stopped believing in astrology and magick a while back so no loss there, I don’t really even feel like interpreting the gods as archetypes or metaphors, the way many naturalistic or humanistic pagans seem to, I don’t see the point of it to be honest. I will still honor the dead but at this point I am pretty sure it’s their memory I’m honoring and keeping alive rather than having them visit from some afterlife, but that’s not a point I’m going to stress too much over. I still love my Grove but I am unsure exactly how I still fit into it at least theologically (well theologically I don't) but I suppose that will be something to be discussed. That is really the only part of this that really bothers me, that is the loss I will feel most keenly. But everything changes and who knows what the future may bring?
